I recently received a promotional flyer for treatment of “personality disorders”. One of the objectives, “Learn the hidden agendas of each of the personality disorders” belies the contempt of many providers and even trainers. I believe people act the ways they do as an effect of the families in which they grew up—most do not actively ‘plan out’ or knowingly impose a “hidden agenda” on others.
The term “ambivalent attachment” explains the “push/pull” thinking and behavior of survivors of trauma, especially relational trauma. This type of trauma often goes unrecognized as such by survivors and many professionals who are in helping roles. Often, when this condition is prevalent a person may be called “manipulative, attention seeking, needy, borderline”–all quite negative, non-helpful labels. I don’t believe anyone wakes in the morning thinking, “how annoying can I be to my loved ones and associates?”
Humans are wired to survive, at all costs. Children must attach to survive. Brain development, ability to communicate (and get vital needs met), social development, and other aspects of human life depend on attachment and interaction with caregivers. When the attachment offered is inconsistent, accepting at times and rejecting at others, development of physiological and mental systems may be less than ideal. The person may exhibit behavior that reflects the inconsistencies he experienced from intimate caregivers.
When we look at this behavior with a compassionate lens, we begin to understand that people are almost always “just trying to get their needs or their perceived needs met.” When a child is sometimes loved and sometimes hurt by the same caregiver, she cannot make sense of this.
The child must attach to that caregiver to survive, physically, emotionally, mentally and spiritually. So, the child, naturally, becomes like the caregiver. Inconsistent attachment offered to the child can result in a non-integrated adult who is often unable to sustain healthy relationships, maintain a desirable job, complete school assignments, regulate intense emotion or tolerate stressful experiences.
Dr. Dan Siegel explains how this “ambivalent” or “disorganized” attachment can develop:
Now, in people with ambivalent attachment histories, what you see there is if I am feeling hungry, and my internal status hunger, and I cry at a hunger, and you are my mom, and you see that I’m hungry but you yourself have a very anxious ambivalent history, and you really doubt your capacity as a mom, so you come to me, seeing I’m hungry, really wanting to feed me but being terrified, that you’re not going to do it, and nervous, and concerned, and doubting your ability, and you come with all this anxiety inside it of you, that I’m just hungry, but now you’re feeling anxious. So my mirror neurons which probably should be called, you know sponge neurons, is really what it is, I’m not really gonna so much mirror you as sponging just soak in your internal state, so I sponging what’s going on to you. I’m hungry but now since you’re feeling anxious, I’m feeling anxious, there’s no reason for me to have your anxiety, but because you have on resolved issues, you have leftover garbage, I pick them up, my sense of self and because very confused, all I know is as a two-month-old, three-month-old kid, is I’m hungry but not hunger gets neurologically connected to anxiety and uncertainty, for no reason except from our interaction. So there’s with mirror neuron can make my internal sense of self confused. In the avoiding attached kid, is kind of disconnected, and the ambivalent attached kid, is confusion.
This style of attachment may be one of the most difficult to address. With clients. I tend to be direct about it, providing a great deal of psycho-education for those who identify push/pull traits in their adult relationships, including with themselves. A great deal of healing can occur within the therapeutic relationship. In the context of therapeutic relationship, Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT) can be quite helpful.
DBT was developed by Dr. Marsha Linehan. She published her first book about the approach in 1993, subsequently becoming known as a prominent champion of those who had been previously ‘written off’ by the psychiatric community. A foundational principle of her theory was that individuals with the BPD label were unable to comprehend a “dialectic”. This means that the black/white thinking of many clients and patients precluded them from, for instance, allowing for seemingly opposite ideas to co-exist. This is particularly problematic in intimate relationships, causing the afflicted person to both feel ‘smothered’ and ‘needy’ at the same time.
In their familial histories, if someone got mad at someone else, they left or, someone got mad and someone else got hit. The child was sometimes cared for and sometimes neglected or abused, causing confusion and feelings of betrayal. In adult relationships when a person raised in this context has a disagreement with their partner or friend, they expect a negative outcome. They cannot hold the dialectic, “I’m mad at you AND I love you”.
The poet, Maggie Estep expressed this relational problem in “Emotional Idiot”, a rather humorous and raucous look at push/pull behavior.
If you have been accused of any of these labels, be assured that my wellness-focused approach does not include expecting you to have a “hidden agenda”. Learning to apply self-compassion and radical acceptance can help you integrate your past experiences and move on with your life. Give me a call to discuss your needs 619.807.9159