Many clients who seek help from coaches and counselors have a history of trauma.
Whether Big T or Little t trauma (EMDR: The Breakthrough Therapy for Overcoming Anxiety, Stress, and Trauma, Shapiro and Forres, 1998), shame, if not addressed, can prolong your struggles and decrease functionality. This has been my experience for over 25 years as a Licensed Social Worker.
“Shame” can be translated to mean, “it’s all my fault”. It’s different from “guilt”. If I did something wrong and I can make an amends in some way, that’s guilt. If I feel “bad” about myself, condemning myself to being “less than”, that’s shame.
Even when practitioners acknowledge the fact and effect of their clients’ traumatic life experience, responding with “It wasn’t your fault” is not enough. Saying, “you didn’t cause it, you can’t control it, you can’t cure it.” is not enough, either. We need to go further. We need to provide explanation about why the person blames him or herself in the first place.
When I first started working with clients on this idea, I needed a term for it. I had asked clients to just notice how often they put themselves down using name-calling or in effect telling themselves, “I don’t deserve (good)”. A client came back and said, “It’s a lot of crap to deal with!” Aha! I decided to call it “Internalized Blame of Self” (IBS) as a way to call attention to the toxic nature of this thinking habit.
So, “What’s the purpose” of this defense? Why do we continue to do it, in spite of our accomplishments in life?
Jean Piaget, a Swiss psychologist known for his work on child development, described “egocentric” thinking in small children. The precocious 3 year-old says “It’s raining ‘cause I’m sad.” She thinks she causes all in her world to happen and it happens to her. So, if someone is hurting her, she reasons that “It’s my fault.” This thought gives her a sense of empowerment, albeit a false one. Eventually she decides that “maybe I could be good enough and you won’t hurt me.”
This reasoning gives her something to work on. Maybe she can be pretty enough, smart enough, clean her room ‘good’ enough, etc. This coping defense helps children psychologically survive horrendous circumstances and events.
This comes down to a matter of resources. The child’s brain is not fully developed, so he uses this emotional reasoning to survive. He does not have the ability, for instance, when he is being mistreated by a parent, to say, “hey dad, you need therapy and in the meantime, I’m going to leave the room, drive my car down the street and get my own place to live”. The child does not have these resources so is stuck with the situation. He may not have the physical stature to leave the room and he certainly had no access to a vehicle, job or place to live on his own.
But, how does this play out in the grown-up child’s life? Why does the adult cling to this defense after it’s no longer needed? More importantly, how can healers assist adult clients to process through and move past the effects of this coping defense?
In light of the idea that unresolved shame can result in depression, addictive behavior and self-sabotage (especially in relationships) working through IBS is essential.
Your quest for healing most likely involves this element of your experience. I have been helping people work through shame for over 25 years. Learning about this concept as a defense that was helpful in childhood but sabotaging in adulthood changed my life and I’ve seen it change the lives of clients with whom I’ve worked. Contact me to learn how you can leave shame and self-sabotage behind.
